24 February 2009

Gratitude

One day I noticed I was in a thought loop about a very exciting opportunity. It wasn't a full-blown manic episode, but the type of head-spinning that can eventually lead to one. When I noticed the thought loop I had a brief moment of gratitude. "How nice it is that this opportunity is in my life, it's even reminding me to return to the present moment."

I started using the gratitude I felt as a small meditation or prayer. Breath in, "I'm grateful," breath out, "for having this person (or opportunity)," breath in, "in my life," breath out, "to remind me to return," breath in, "to the present moment." Breath out.

Feeling gratitude to those things that excited me or made me feel better about myself was always nice. But I soon realized I could feel the same gratitude toward the people or subjects that created negative thoughts. I was grateful whenever there was a thought loop that I could identify and try to notice, and every time this happened I was returned to the present moment, if only for a second.

I took this on as a practice. I didn't try to stop or judge my thoughts, but to simply be aware of the subjects I thought about the most, and when I noticed it I did a short gratitude meditation. I didn't set out on a path to "find the present moment". My only goals were to stop feeling like I was a bad person and be able to function like a normal person. The "present moment" had no real meaning to me because I'd had so little experience with it in my head-spinning past. But when I found the present moment, as a side-effect of trying to function, I found more than the ability to function.

Today, I'm grateful for being bi-polar, because it forced me to find the present moment. Otherwise I might have spent my entire life lost in the errands on my lists, never quite here and now. Today I experience many moments of gratitude. Today is all I have.

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