When a person gets lost in thoughts and worry there's a tendency to take an action that returns them, if even for a moment, to the here and now. The subconscious will compel one to a behavior that might cause great damage, but at the moment the plate is flung the voices go away and the present moment is experienced. Karma ensues. Self-judgment ensues. More thoughts careen around the mind and... another burst from the subconscious, more karma created. It continues until the internal dialogue is stopped.
If the need to return to the present moment is truly the catalyst behind many unconscious acts, then it's possible to slow down the headlong rush to new karma by proactively returning to the here and now. A few deep breaths and our course can be altered.
28 February 2009
24 February 2009
Living
My story is simple. I was lost in my head. I gained a little internal stillness by trying to be aware when I was thinking useless, negative thoughts. That stillness led me to see some other types of thoughts that were also useless, and the stillness I gained from noticing those thoughts led me to examine all of the thought loops I tended to spin in. By practicing gratitude for those thoughts, once I’ve noticed them, I’m spending more time alive, and less time in a waking dream.
I used to walk down the street lost in thought. Now I see things I’d never noticed before. The flowers were in the cracks in the sidewalks all along – I was just too “asleep” to see them, along with the people, opportunities and truths I’d walked past unconsciously before beginning this practice.
Whatever it is that makes me bi-polar hasn't gone away. I still have strong emotional responses to the world around me and my head still spins on things good and bad. But the practice shortens the cycle. A six month depression replaced by a bad week, a bad week replaced by a bad day, a bad day eventually becoming a hard moment.
And I like it that way. I want to experience the soaring joy and crashing despair that come with being alive. But after the moment of joy or despair I want to let go and be ready for the next moment. By being grateful to the source of that momentary joy or pain I'm brought into the present, where I can best face whatever comes next.
My life has changed in the years since I began this practice. I remember how helpless I felt against my onrushing depressions, not knowing where they came from or why and when they’d end. It seemed beyond my control. Now I have a tool to use when my mind starts spinning.
It was my pain that led to my joy. The same path is there for all of us.
I used to walk down the street lost in thought. Now I see things I’d never noticed before. The flowers were in the cracks in the sidewalks all along – I was just too “asleep” to see them, along with the people, opportunities and truths I’d walked past unconsciously before beginning this practice.
Whatever it is that makes me bi-polar hasn't gone away. I still have strong emotional responses to the world around me and my head still spins on things good and bad. But the practice shortens the cycle. A six month depression replaced by a bad week, a bad week replaced by a bad day, a bad day eventually becoming a hard moment.
And I like it that way. I want to experience the soaring joy and crashing despair that come with being alive. But after the moment of joy or despair I want to let go and be ready for the next moment. By being grateful to the source of that momentary joy or pain I'm brought into the present, where I can best face whatever comes next.
My life has changed in the years since I began this practice. I remember how helpless I felt against my onrushing depressions, not knowing where they came from or why and when they’d end. It seemed beyond my control. Now I have a tool to use when my mind starts spinning.
It was my pain that led to my joy. The same path is there for all of us.
Gratitude
One day I noticed I was in a thought loop about a very exciting opportunity. It wasn't a full-blown manic episode, but the type of head-spinning that can eventually lead to one. When I noticed the thought loop I had a brief moment of gratitude. "How nice it is that this opportunity is in my life, it's even reminding me to return to the present moment."
I started using the gratitude I felt as a small meditation or prayer. Breath in, "I'm grateful," breath out, "for having this person (or opportunity)," breath in, "in my life," breath out, "to remind me to return," breath in, "to the present moment." Breath out.
Feeling gratitude to those things that excited me or made me feel better about myself was always nice. But I soon realized I could feel the same gratitude toward the people or subjects that created negative thoughts. I was grateful whenever there was a thought loop that I could identify and try to notice, and every time this happened I was returned to the present moment, if only for a second.
I took this on as a practice. I didn't try to stop or judge my thoughts, but to simply be aware of the subjects I thought about the most, and when I noticed it I did a short gratitude meditation. I didn't set out on a path to "find the present moment". My only goals were to stop feeling like I was a bad person and be able to function like a normal person. The "present moment" had no real meaning to me because I'd had so little experience with it in my head-spinning past. But when I found the present moment, as a side-effect of trying to function, I found more than the ability to function.
Today, I'm grateful for being bi-polar, because it forced me to find the present moment. Otherwise I might have spent my entire life lost in the errands on my lists, never quite here and now. Today I experience many moments of gratitude. Today is all I have.
I started using the gratitude I felt as a small meditation or prayer. Breath in, "I'm grateful," breath out, "for having this person (or opportunity)," breath in, "in my life," breath out, "to remind me to return," breath in, "to the present moment." Breath out.
Feeling gratitude to those things that excited me or made me feel better about myself was always nice. But I soon realized I could feel the same gratitude toward the people or subjects that created negative thoughts. I was grateful whenever there was a thought loop that I could identify and try to notice, and every time this happened I was returned to the present moment, if only for a second.
I took this on as a practice. I didn't try to stop or judge my thoughts, but to simply be aware of the subjects I thought about the most, and when I noticed it I did a short gratitude meditation. I didn't set out on a path to "find the present moment". My only goals were to stop feeling like I was a bad person and be able to function like a normal person. The "present moment" had no real meaning to me because I'd had so little experience with it in my head-spinning past. But when I found the present moment, as a side-effect of trying to function, I found more than the ability to function.
Today, I'm grateful for being bi-polar, because it forced me to find the present moment. Otherwise I might have spent my entire life lost in the errands on my lists, never quite here and now. Today I experience many moments of gratitude. Today is all I have.
23 February 2009
Watching
The depression came, as it always did. I could feel myself slipping into it in a haze of self-created expectations unfulfilled, and when it settled on me I spent a few weeks lost in head-spinning self-judgment. Eventually I remembered what I'd learned about those kinds of thoughts and started trying to be aware when I was having them.
While I was trying to notice the judgmental thoughts I became aware of other streams of thought I was having, the ones that seemed to come up the most often. Replaying past actions, planning future recourse, nothing that was of any benefit to me. I began trying to notice when I was lost in thought about certain subjects, just like I was doing with the judgments. It was hard to do. I'd often spin on a subject for an entire day before I'd catch myself. But I'd always eventually notice, and after I noticed I took a few deep breaths.
Maybe once today.
Three or four times tomorrow.
A dozen times the next day.
Thirty or 40 the following day.
The depression vanished.
The manic period started.
As I slid into the next depression I noticed that I'd been in thought loops, continuous internal dialogues, that had been pleasurable, or at least positive, and that as soon as there was a problem or negative aspect I transferred the same chaotic thought stream from the positive to the negative. One day I was lost in fantasy, and almost the next day I was lost in judgment. I saw for the first time that the manic episode was the same as the depressive episode, a condition where my mind was lost in thoughts that didn't serve me.
Using what I'd previously learned I was able to escape the next depression, and afterward I started trying to be aware of whenever I was lost in thoughts about particular subjects. I can't tell myself not to think about something compelling, the thoughts seem to come up on their own. But if I ask myself to be aware of when I'm thinking about these things I can be brought into the present moment, and out of my head, by the realization I was lost in the thought in question. It feels good to think about exciting opportunities and new love, but I'd seen how my thoughts could build conditions and paradigms that didn't serve me. I started trying to be aware of spinning on any subject, whether it was apparently positive or not.
In the book "The Art of Dreaming" Carlos Castaneda tries to explain how to achieve a lucid dream state and he says the first step is becoming aware, within the dream, that you're dreaming. The method he says he was taught was to try to remember seeing his hands in a dream. By programming himself to remember he was dreaming when he see saw his hands it was possible to take control of the dream state.
It's much the same with thoughts. Trying to realize when my head was spun out was difficult because... my head was spun out. It was in the illusion state, the waking dream state. I could teach myself to recognize the illusion for what it is by looking for elements of the illusion in my thoughts. Each of us can easily name the two or three things we think about most in the course of a day. By noting these subjects we will eventually (sooner than one might expect) start popping out of the illusion with the realization we're thinking about that "thing" again.
While I was trying to notice the judgmental thoughts I became aware of other streams of thought I was having, the ones that seemed to come up the most often. Replaying past actions, planning future recourse, nothing that was of any benefit to me. I began trying to notice when I was lost in thought about certain subjects, just like I was doing with the judgments. It was hard to do. I'd often spin on a subject for an entire day before I'd catch myself. But I'd always eventually notice, and after I noticed I took a few deep breaths.
Maybe once today.
Three or four times tomorrow.
A dozen times the next day.
Thirty or 40 the following day.
The depression vanished.
The manic period started.
As I slid into the next depression I noticed that I'd been in thought loops, continuous internal dialogues, that had been pleasurable, or at least positive, and that as soon as there was a problem or negative aspect I transferred the same chaotic thought stream from the positive to the negative. One day I was lost in fantasy, and almost the next day I was lost in judgment. I saw for the first time that the manic episode was the same as the depressive episode, a condition where my mind was lost in thoughts that didn't serve me.
Using what I'd previously learned I was able to escape the next depression, and afterward I started trying to be aware of whenever I was lost in thoughts about particular subjects. I can't tell myself not to think about something compelling, the thoughts seem to come up on their own. But if I ask myself to be aware of when I'm thinking about these things I can be brought into the present moment, and out of my head, by the realization I was lost in the thought in question. It feels good to think about exciting opportunities and new love, but I'd seen how my thoughts could build conditions and paradigms that didn't serve me. I started trying to be aware of spinning on any subject, whether it was apparently positive or not.
In the book "The Art of Dreaming" Carlos Castaneda tries to explain how to achieve a lucid dream state and he says the first step is becoming aware, within the dream, that you're dreaming. The method he says he was taught was to try to remember seeing his hands in a dream. By programming himself to remember he was dreaming when he see saw his hands it was possible to take control of the dream state.
It's much the same with thoughts. Trying to realize when my head was spun out was difficult because... my head was spun out. It was in the illusion state, the waking dream state. I could teach myself to recognize the illusion for what it is by looking for elements of the illusion in my thoughts. Each of us can easily name the two or three things we think about most in the course of a day. By noting these subjects we will eventually (sooner than one might expect) start popping out of the illusion with the realization we're thinking about that "thing" again.
20 February 2009
Treatment
I had a friend who was diagnosed as bi-polar. He'd had a bad breakup and couldn't seem to shake the depression that followed, and when he sought help they put him on lithium. I watched him gain weight and dull down until he finally decided he wasn't bi-polar anymore and stopped taking the medication. Fair or not, the lesson I learned from my friend's experience was "don't take lithium".
So... as I realized I was trapped in a cycle of short-lived highs and crashing lows, I thought back to my friend's experience. I read a few books. It wasn't hard to suspect I might be bi-polar. Trapped, as I was at the time, in a soul-crushing depression, I attached myself to the idea of a pharmacological solution. So I went to the doctor and lied.
I described the depression. Yes, I sleep all day. No, I won't go out and see anyone. But I knew which questions to lie to. Ever have trouble sleeping? Uh, no. Fantastical thinking and unwise, spontaneous actions? Not me. I wanted the mood elevator, not the drug that had such a bad effect on my friend. It was easy to fool the doctor.
I took an SSRI for a couple of months. I didn't like the way it made me feel. At the same time I started taking it I started trying to watch for when I was thinking the types of thoughts, the negative judgments, that I'd learned didn't serve me. Even if I was a bad person I could see that the thoughts about being bad were making it harder for me to function, and they didn't make me a better person in the bargain. When I started trying to be aware of these types of thoughts a funny thing happened - they went away.
Not immediately, of course. But surprisingly quickly. Within a matter of days the crash I was experiencing seemed to melt away. I thought I'd found the key to "curing" my illness, that it was as simple as being aware that my self-judgmental thoughts didn't serve me and could be stopped by watching for them as they came up. I was wrong, of course.
So... as I realized I was trapped in a cycle of short-lived highs and crashing lows, I thought back to my friend's experience. I read a few books. It wasn't hard to suspect I might be bi-polar. Trapped, as I was at the time, in a soul-crushing depression, I attached myself to the idea of a pharmacological solution. So I went to the doctor and lied.
I described the depression. Yes, I sleep all day. No, I won't go out and see anyone. But I knew which questions to lie to. Ever have trouble sleeping? Uh, no. Fantastical thinking and unwise, spontaneous actions? Not me. I wanted the mood elevator, not the drug that had such a bad effect on my friend. It was easy to fool the doctor.
I took an SSRI for a couple of months. I didn't like the way it made me feel. At the same time I started taking it I started trying to watch for when I was thinking the types of thoughts, the negative judgments, that I'd learned didn't serve me. Even if I was a bad person I could see that the thoughts about being bad were making it harder for me to function, and they didn't make me a better person in the bargain. When I started trying to be aware of these types of thoughts a funny thing happened - they went away.
Not immediately, of course. But surprisingly quickly. Within a matter of days the crash I was experiencing seemed to melt away. I thought I'd found the key to "curing" my illness, that it was as simple as being aware that my self-judgmental thoughts didn't serve me and could be stopped by watching for them as they came up. I was wrong, of course.
Discovery
I can't remember exactly when and where I first realized there was a problem in my head, but I remember the thought that led to the realization: "What's wrong with me?"
I had that thought a lot during later crashes, and it eventually changed from "what's wrong with me?" to "there's something wrong with me that keeps me from functioning" to "I'm not a good person". There has been no greater suffering than being paralyzed by a head spinning on the idea that I'm a bad person because of all the pain I'd created for myself and others.
The suffering was made worse by the certainty in my heart that I'm not a bad person.
During a crash I once had a realization about the judgments I was making against myself. I realized I was suffering the consequences of my words and actions, and those consequences are payment enough. Judging myself for yesterday's actions doesn't do anything to prevent future consequences, but accepting responsibility and internalizing the result will help me make better choices in the future.
Sometimes I brought so much pain into my life and lives of others that it was hard to convince myself I didn't need to "double pay", to suffer both the consequences and feel badly toward myself. Losing the love of a cherished person or missing out on a great opportunity wasn't enough, it felt right to wallow in self-loathing.
But not quite right. There was always a feeling, a sense that this was just indulgence. I started looking back at the actions for which I had the greatest judgments against myself. It wasn't very comfortable. But I learned something about why I'd done or said those things. I learned that if I went back to the exact moment when I'd made the choices that led to the regrets, I was always making the choice that at that time would give me the best chance of having the feeling of love or peace or presence. My subconscious was compelling me to do something that would let me, if even for a moment, cut through the blaring noise in my head and be aware in the moment. Unfortunately, my subconscious didn't care about the consequences of the actions, and those consequences usually led to me thinking I was a bad person.
The idea that being lost in my thoughts caused the stupid things I was doing might seem pretty obvious. What's less obvious is that being trapped in internal dialogue causes the things I do that help create more internal dialogue, and because of this the problem isn't that I'm doing stupid hurtful things - those words and actions are just the symptoms.
That's when I knew there was a problem, and that the problem was between my ears.
I had that thought a lot during later crashes, and it eventually changed from "what's wrong with me?" to "there's something wrong with me that keeps me from functioning" to "I'm not a good person". There has been no greater suffering than being paralyzed by a head spinning on the idea that I'm a bad person because of all the pain I'd created for myself and others.
The suffering was made worse by the certainty in my heart that I'm not a bad person.
During a crash I once had a realization about the judgments I was making against myself. I realized I was suffering the consequences of my words and actions, and those consequences are payment enough. Judging myself for yesterday's actions doesn't do anything to prevent future consequences, but accepting responsibility and internalizing the result will help me make better choices in the future.
Sometimes I brought so much pain into my life and lives of others that it was hard to convince myself I didn't need to "double pay", to suffer both the consequences and feel badly toward myself. Losing the love of a cherished person or missing out on a great opportunity wasn't enough, it felt right to wallow in self-loathing.
But not quite right. There was always a feeling, a sense that this was just indulgence. I started looking back at the actions for which I had the greatest judgments against myself. It wasn't very comfortable. But I learned something about why I'd done or said those things. I learned that if I went back to the exact moment when I'd made the choices that led to the regrets, I was always making the choice that at that time would give me the best chance of having the feeling of love or peace or presence. My subconscious was compelling me to do something that would let me, if even for a moment, cut through the blaring noise in my head and be aware in the moment. Unfortunately, my subconscious didn't care about the consequences of the actions, and those consequences usually led to me thinking I was a bad person.
The idea that being lost in my thoughts caused the stupid things I was doing might seem pretty obvious. What's less obvious is that being trapped in internal dialogue causes the things I do that help create more internal dialogue, and because of this the problem isn't that I'm doing stupid hurtful things - those words and actions are just the symptoms.
That's when I knew there was a problem, and that the problem was between my ears.
19 February 2009
Suffering
Around the age of 13, after a sixth school change in five years, I had my first depressive episode. I have no idea if there was a mania that preceded it - this was before I knew to look for the mania to warn of the depression that follows.
It's easy to use words like mania and depression now but at the time and for many years later I didn't have any labels for what I was experiencing. What surprises me most, in retrospect, is how unaware I was that there might be a problem. Each soaring high was taken as my birthright and each inevitable crash filled my head with its own circumstances. I didn't see the pattern until I was over 30, despite spending months at a time hiding from the world.
I couldn't see the problem because my mind was too full of thoughts, but it might seem odd that none of my friends and family noticed. Well, that's not entirely true... they noticed I'd stop returning their calls for months at a time, they noticed I'd be in love one day and on to the ugly break-up the next, they noticed that I went from "fair-haired-boy" to "persona-non-grata" at job after job. Drama after drama. But they didn't notice I was sick. They didn't notice because when they were around I hid it by paying attention to them... it's funny the way people think those who pay them attention are the sanest people in the room.
And they loved it. Until, that is, I'd be so spun out, so lost in the depressed result of an earlier manic episode, that I didn't have the capacity to hide in plain sight by focusing on them. So I'd hide under the covers and unplug the phone, and let them think I'm lame because I didn't have a better explanation to give them.
It's easy to use words like mania and depression now but at the time and for many years later I didn't have any labels for what I was experiencing. What surprises me most, in retrospect, is how unaware I was that there might be a problem. Each soaring high was taken as my birthright and each inevitable crash filled my head with its own circumstances. I didn't see the pattern until I was over 30, despite spending months at a time hiding from the world.
I couldn't see the problem because my mind was too full of thoughts, but it might seem odd that none of my friends and family noticed. Well, that's not entirely true... they noticed I'd stop returning their calls for months at a time, they noticed I'd be in love one day and on to the ugly break-up the next, they noticed that I went from "fair-haired-boy" to "persona-non-grata" at job after job. Drama after drama. But they didn't notice I was sick. They didn't notice because when they were around I hid it by paying attention to them... it's funny the way people think those who pay them attention are the sanest people in the room.
And they loved it. Until, that is, I'd be so spun out, so lost in the depressed result of an earlier manic episode, that I didn't have the capacity to hide in plain sight by focusing on them. So I'd hide under the covers and unplug the phone, and let them think I'm lame because I didn't have a better explanation to give them.
Loving
Compelling person rivets my attention. It is transcendent.
Later, when no longer with that person, thoughts of them appear. Illusion and indulgence.
Deep breath in: "I am grateful for this person," deep breath out, "so compelling that they serve," deep breath in, "as a reminder to return," deep breath out "to the present moment". Indulgence over. Relationship kept in the present moment, not in my head, no paradigms constructed.
No hiding from thoughts - instead identifying the thoughts and being grateful for the chance to return, if even for a moment, to the here and now. With this key all despair leads to nirvana. We don't have to stop our minds spinning, we simply learn to notice the spinning, and the subject of the spinning... and give thanks while we breathe. Self-judgment removed from the process.
Once today.
Maybe 3 times tomorrow.
A dozen the next day.
Too many to count the following day.
At the end of a week...
Life changed. Slowly slowly we start noticing the flowers growing in the cracks in the sidewalks.
Anyone can find out the truth of these words by doing the practice. No points for "belief". The infinite will reveal itself in a way that transcends "belief" as a result of doing the practice.
Later, when no longer with that person, thoughts of them appear. Illusion and indulgence.
Deep breath in: "I am grateful for this person," deep breath out, "so compelling that they serve," deep breath in, "as a reminder to return," deep breath out "to the present moment". Indulgence over. Relationship kept in the present moment, not in my head, no paradigms constructed.
No hiding from thoughts - instead identifying the thoughts and being grateful for the chance to return, if even for a moment, to the here and now. With this key all despair leads to nirvana. We don't have to stop our minds spinning, we simply learn to notice the spinning, and the subject of the spinning... and give thanks while we breathe. Self-judgment removed from the process.
Once today.
Maybe 3 times tomorrow.
A dozen the next day.
Too many to count the following day.
At the end of a week...
Life changed. Slowly slowly we start noticing the flowers growing in the cracks in the sidewalks.
Anyone can find out the truth of these words by doing the practice. No points for "belief". The infinite will reveal itself in a way that transcends "belief" as a result of doing the practice.
2 February 2009
Limbo
Too awake to be of the world,
Too attached to be a sadhu,
So not committed to either.
Could enjoy proper debauchery,
But not debauched enough.
Could be a Bodhisattva,
But my hand's up Maya's skirt.
Too attached to be a sadhu,
So not committed to either.
Could enjoy proper debauchery,
But not debauched enough.
Could be a Bodhisattva,
But my hand's up Maya's skirt.
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